Motivate your teenager to 'do' by reinforcing their autonomy

I am not sure what to do about my teenagers. It is not like they are bad kids or anything but they do not seem to be too motivated to do much of anything around the house or for their future. They do OK at school and they do not get in any real trouble so my friends tell me I should lighten up.

However I am tired of having to chase after them to do things and I am worried about what is going to happen when they graduate from high school over the next few years. When I try to talk to them about this and offer a few suggestions I get nowhere. How do I get them motivated and focused on their future?

Thank you for your letter! This is a question that I think every generation struggles with to some degree and one that many parents worry about at one time or another. It is a real challenge when our children seem less than motivated to take charge of their own futures and follow through on things we see as important.

The challenge that we all face in dealing with this sort of situation is that individuals need their own reasons to do something. This is particularly true for teenagers who are engaged in the developmental task of learning who they are as individuals and making many decisions about how they want to be in the world. This may seem like I am stating the obvious, however we often forget this when we try to motivate, cajole, instruct, or convince others that they should be doing something we feel is important. Yet when we do this we often meet dead ends or get the 'yeah, OK' but nothing seems to get done.

One of the things that we run up against in this situation is an individual's counter will. My three year old gives me lessons about counter will every day and the more I try to get him to do something the more determined he is to show me that he will make up his own mind — thank you very much. The same is true for everyone. The more we try to convince others to do something because we think it is important for them to do, counter will kicks in and the more they resist us in both direct and indirect ways.

A solution to this is to try and engage with others differently. People are much less likely to resist another person's suggestions or ideas when their counter will is not activated. The best way to avoid activating counter will is to reinforce another's autonomy. Acknowledging their ability to make their own decisions and to take their own steps is important in the conversation. Acknowledging that others ultimately have the ability to make their own choices is often a powerful tool. This does not mean letting your teenagers do whatever they want or supporting their decisions when they go against your parental expectations. Rather it is about acknowledging that they do have choices about how they act and that it is ultimately up to them to decide what they are going to do.

Secondly, changing the way in which we focus the conversation can also be helpful. Michael Pantalon, a psychology professor from Yale, suggests that "people take action when themselves say why they want to do something . . . get someone to tell you why he wants to act, and action is almost sure to follow." This means changing the conversation from trying to convince others that they should do something to finding out why they might want do something instead.  If we can find out why others might want to do things and can help them hear themselves express those reasons then we have a better chance of motivating them to take their own action. This is effective even when we approach the conversation as a hypothetical as in "Let's pretend for a minute that you wanted to clean up your room, why might you want to do that?"  Once you are both able to hear some of their reasons sometimes it opens up the conversation enough for some action to be taken.

In the end, motivation is something that has to come from within. As parents, we sometimes think we provide external motivation, but ultimately true motivation is only something that individuals can muster up for themselves. We all have it within us; the trick is recognizing it is there and accessing it to take us in the direction we truly want to go. As you say, your teenagers are good kids who have not yet found their motivation for their next steps. Rather than trying to provide it for them, are there ways you can help them find and access it for themselves? The above offers a few thoughts. With some creativity I am sure your teenagers can help you come up with a few more!

If you would like to ask a question of the counsellors, for a response in future columns, e-mail them at askpacific@shaw.ca. Consult a Counsellor is provided by the registered clinical counsellors at Pacific Therapy & Consulting: Nancy Bock, Diane Davies, Leslie Wells and Andrew Lochhead. It appears every second Friday.