Jennifer Pass
Special to the Record
It wasn’t uncommon 40 years or so ago, for elders to live with their grown-up children and grandchildren.
Why did that change?
I think post-war emigration had some hand in it.
We immigrated to Canada when I was three years old and my brother was five. Both my dad’s mom and my mom’s dad died before I had a chance to see them again. When I was 14, we returned to “the old country” for a visit and I spent about 30 minutes with my dad’s dad – just a drop-in visit. That was the only time I saw him after emigration.
After my grandma on my mother’s side was widowed, she came to Canada for a year. I was nine years old.
I remember a lot about that year. Grandma lived with us and with her son’s family in Edmonton, alternating to give each family some “on” and some “off” time. I have great memories of walking home for lunch in Charleswood, on the outskirts of Winnipeg – a walk of about one-half hour each way (we had an hour and a half for lunch) – to have that warm welcome and freshly cooked shepherd’s pie on a cold Manitoba winter’s day. My mom was a full-time teacher, not home at lunchtime, so having grandma at home to cook and chat with us was very special.
That summer was also memorable. We upgraded from a tent to a tent trailer, to accommodate grandma, and took our annual road trip to the Rockies. I remember her thrill at seeing the wilderness and the wild animals, and she was there when my dad bravely retrieved the cooler from a bear in the middle of the night.
Our daughter-in-law has great memories of growing up in West Vancouver with grandma in a suite in their home. Although both of her parents worked full time, from the age of nine, her grandmother lived in a suite in their house. She was not a “latchkey” kid; after school, she went home to grandma’s suite, and received a “warm welcome” and an after-school snack. She had a close relationship with her grandma for years and her grandma never went into a long-term care facility.
So this is such a “win-win” situation from the kids’ and grandparents’ points of view.
What about the middle generation?
My mom aged alone, was fiercely independent, and lived in a different city from us, until she could no longer drive and big decisions had to be made. We did mull over having her live with us, but at that time the kids were launched, and we were just starting to have some personal independence. We did not have a suite in our home. And it is difficult to share living space – that may not be the best option from either point of view, particularly if one is starting the sharing at the point when the senior is becoming significantly less independent.
If we start having those conversations earlier, we may find shared living works for all three generations, and is a great benefit for the grandparent, grandchildren and also for the working mother and father
Jennifer Pass is the co-ordinator of Comox Valley Elders Take Action (ETA)