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What to do when parents treat adult children like kids

Q: I’m a college student living at home with my parents. I’m having a hard time getting along with them, and we argue about many things in my life. They are good people, and I know they care about me; however, they almost always tell me what to do, and don’t seem to respect that I am now an adult and can make decisions for myself. I need this to be different. Lately it’s hard to talk to them. What should I do?

A: This time/stage for a family, when children become young adults, is a challenging time for many young people and their parents.

All are in transition from one phase of life to another, and generally will be experiencing this in ways that are different and ways that are similar. The differences can create conflict in the relationship between parents and young people.

Generally young adults (e.g., 19 to 24) experience personal development that creates the need for greater independence from parents.

For instance, increased need and desire to make decisions about daily living and major life events that as teens and children were made, or mostly made, by parents.  Generally, it can take some time for parents to fully recognize a young person’s decision-making needs and capabilities.

They may believe it is still their responsibility and right to make specific/most/all decisions past the late teens and early 20s. Parents sometimes feel a sense of loss when their growing son or daughter needs them less, and may react with attempts to control (e.g., make more decisions).

Unfortunately, there is no ultimate parenting guide available for parents. Nor is there a guide for young adults. Even if there were it would be important that each family find what works best for them, to meet the needs of all involved family members.

These conflicted and challenging times can be considered opportunities to improve the relationships between young people and parents. Engaging in discussion with parents is a way for young adults to demonstrate positive adult qualities (e.g., being responsible), practice good communication skills, and meet the need for increased choice/decision-making.

Also, many people find that stepping up and initiating solutions in positive ways improves self-respect, and self confidence.

Here are some tips to consider:

• Respond assertively (not aggressively) with issues that are important to you, which can help relieve some of the related tension and stress.

• Plan and prepare before reopening the communication on the issue (e.g., what you want/need).

• Choose an appropriate time and place to have a discussion (e.g., when able to give undivided attention, at less-stressful times of the day).

• Relax yourself beforehand, and remain calm during the conversation. When emotions are under control/contained, it is easier to think and communicate more effectively.

• Communicate your willingness to understand the other’s point of view (this doesn’t necessarily mean you’re agreeing yet, just opening yourself to hear their thoughts).

• Give them the respect you want from them/others, such as listening attentively to their opinions. When listening, try to understand their point of view and how they feel about it.

• When speaking, use “I” statements, state/describe what you need, why it’s important to you, and how you feel about it.

• Try not to judge or blame your parents. Judgment and blame puts people on the defensive, and can enflame emotions (yours and theirs).

An important note about personal safety: If you are concerned for your safety with a parent (or any other person/adult), you need to take precautions to protect yourself first.

For instance, if your parent has been violent, or aggressive in some other way towards you or other family members, it is important to seek the direct support and guidance of another adult you can trust (e.g., teacher, adult relative, counsellor) to determine the best course of action in your particular circumstances.

If safety is not your concern you may find it useful to seek additional support and guidance from a professional counsellor to help you with your specific problem.

If you would like to ask a question of the counsellors, for a response in future columns, e-mail them at askpacific@shaw.ca; or fax the Record at 250-338-5568 or write to them c/o the Record. Consult a Counsellor is provided by the registered clinical counsellors at Pacific Therapy & Consulting: Nancy Bock, Diane Davies, Leslie Wells, Andrew Lochhead and Karen Turner. It appears every second Friday.