Please accept the following letter as my application for position of Chief Executive Officer – Goods Production, Utilities, Transportation And Construction for the South Coast British Columbia Transportation Authority.
I am confident that I meet all the qualifications, including the ability to work “closely with partners in the three levels of government, the public/private sector and the general public.”
I also promise to “articulate and promote the vision of a transportation future where people and goods move in a way that promotes a healthy economy, environment and quality of life for generations to come.”
As a managing editor of a community newspaper, I have experience in leading a team of professionals, in a deadline-driven environment.
I do lack experience in the transportation industry, but based on the minimum requirement of a bachelor’s degree in no specified field, clearly that’s not a deal breaker.
As a former sports editor, I have an uncanny ability to spin. I can turn an eighth-place finish at an eight-team hockey tournament into a championship season. There are many parents in B.C. and Alberta who can attest that my “excellent communications and media relations skills” give me the ability of “shaping public opinion and rallying support.”
Facing the media every Tuesday and Thursday as the Skytrain collapses would not be an issue. I can smile and wave as well as the next guy.
Here’s the greatest part for you: I can save you money. Lots of money.
Well, at least lots of money when presented to the other 99 per cent.
Your $320,000 salary? I will do it for $250,000 a year.
Boom. A $70,000 savings right there. You can hire another driver! (Or two part-time drivers.)
The 30 per cent bonus at the end of every year? Take it back. Bam! Another $100,000 to help meet budget.
I can not even comprehend the necessity of an “annual wellness allowance” on top of a quarter-of-a-million-dollar salary, so you can have that $2,500 back too.
I will have to maintain the $14,400 annual transportation allowance, so that I can continue to reside in the Comox Valley and just fly in and out of Vancouver. (I do appreciate that option.) On the plus-side, I won’t charge you $20,000 in relocation assistance, so the company still comes out ahead.
I will also forgo the $1,200 annual parking allowance. I hear bus service from the airport to your office in New Westminster is already pretty good. If it doesn’t meet my requirements, I will simply make that improvement a priority.
That all works out to, give or take a tax-deductible food bank donation, approximately $180,000 in savings already – and I haven’t even signed the contract yet!
The application notice lists the starting date as “as soon as possible” after the Nov. 19 closing date.
Is Nov. 20 soon enough? I’d prefer to give my current employer a couple of weeks’ notice, but for this kind of salary increase, I can burn that bridge when I get to it.
You may think of this as a joke, but remember… a certain Vancouver daily newspaper once felt the same way about a response for a reporter’s job, and dismissed Hunter S. Thompson’s application.
I eagerly await your response.
Terry A. Farrell
Terry Farrell is the editor of the Comox Valley Record … for now